如果我处在即将被击垮的地位，我该如何面对？
最需要冲刺的时候，我却集中不了精神。
脑海里记忆尤新，心里伤隐隐作痛。已经一段漫长的时间了，虽然我一直都在试图让自己忘记，但我却觉得自己还没完全把手放开。难道，我的意志力一眨眼间烟消云散？自己力挺的那番哲学，拥有的那把热忱，全部退还给历史了吗？还是，自己一直以来都在坚持着错误的信念？看到一而再，再而三的童话被改写，难免会觉得这世界没自己想象的纯真朴实。
发生的事终究成了事实，成了不能改变的历史，成了一连续惨痛的教训。为何我还念念不忘？
真的搞不懂自己。一个一直以来期待未来的我，却一直用回忆的枷锁把自己困住。
钥匙，在我这里吗？
I guess after going through Alfas, I realised I really need to be more confident, more outspoken and have more substance! I couldn’t contribute to discussions or to the interview cos I didn’t know much crap, and it definitely showed badly.
That’s piling the stress onto myself. For now I’ll get IS out of the way ASAP, along with KI prelims.
While here’s another snippet of self-glorification, I got commended for the post I made on the Scholarsheep website! Lol.
Looks like I’ve got a knack of having weird affinities with English or something, I remembered scoring 26/30 for a news report and 25/30 for an argumentative essay (I remember it was on whether English should be used to teach Mandarin) in a week when I was sec2. LOL!
*end of self-glorification*
Meanwhile, there’s a trick to deferment for UK universities. The word is that we can defer 1 year at a time. Get the hint? But don’t take my word for it.
Oh well. I was feeling really stressed out (I woke up from my afternoon nap dreaming about A levels. X_X In fact, since I rarely take afternoon naps and this being the second time I napped in 3 days, it says a lot about how tired I really am.)
Now, as usual, I still don’t have a definite answer to the question, “Will I last?” Can I convince myself that life is more than grades? I don’t know. I’m terribly unprepared, for the As, for scholarships and uni interviews, and maybe life out there.
4 years and coming to a close, it’s hard to see myself letting go. =(
Vita today! It’s been a while since we last met up as a IP cohort (albeit with incomplete attendance), and really provokes memories and nostalgia of the times when we had a classroom to ourselves, or when we went out together on trips or beyond borders… It’s really quite heartwarming.
And the forum session we had afterwards, I felt it was quite fun to be in (especially with me contributing a little, contrary to my expectations) along with everyone who were also giving their opinions on how the IP might be improved now that it is in its 4th year and its first batch is graduating T-T
I suppose one opinion that hasn’t really changed from our last VITA is that of integrating IP people into diff classes. Otherwise we had diverse opinions ranging from the scrapping Lang Arts rumour, to instituting a modular system, and it was really enjoyable to be in the discussion. Haha feel so good for ourselves, for we’re really passionate about how IP is going on even though we’ve been practically detached from the IP… XD
Proud to be a VIP-er!
Meanwhile I’m off to catch the highlights of the Singapore-Korea TT match on 5. =D Go Singapore!
Why shouldn’t we scrap Lang Arts?
1. Just because the scholars say that it is a hard subject to grasp doesn’t mean it is irrelevant as a subject.
1.1 An obvious point to make about the numerical figures involved. I would safely claim that the VIP has scholars constituting approximately 1/6 of the enrolment given 20 PRC scholars for 120 per cohort. From my knowledge, we have had a diversifying background of scholars; a safe estimate would have its upper limit at 30-40 (one-quarter to one-third). That is obviously not a numerical majority; to make a decision based on scholars’ opinions would be a biased one.
1.2 But who haven’t complained about subjects being difficult to deal with? For local students like us also do complain about the difficulty of Lang Arts. It is inevitable that we encounter difficulties in our lives, and yet did we not survive through those at the least, and picked up lessons from it? I was one of those struggling with Lang Arts, and yet I did not give up on the subject even after I entered JC life. In fact, I’ll feel that it was quite unorthodox for a student consistently C-level in Lang Arts to pursue KI, and I can testify that I have been coping well in the subject.
1.3 Dealing with difficulties in life is part and parcel of humanity; this should also be the same attitude in education. For what is education if we do not learn anything new? And in learning anything new, do we not meet with confusion, with terminologies, with questions? Do we not resolve these through revision, through research and through practice? These are definitely food for thought that does not limit its scope to students pursuing Lang Arts.
2. Another way we can view difficulty of a subject is from the grades attained by its students.
2.1 I will not deny the fact that teachers’ motivations and capabilities have an influence on students’ grades. However, what is more essential in determining whether a student obtains a desired grade is his own innate learning abilities, for there are motivated students who excel even under a teacher not well-appraised, and likewise there are students who do not perform well even under the best guidance available. This ties in with the points I made in 1.3 when I questioned the motivation of learners in approaching difficult subjects.
2.2 A more mathematical way to view this is through visualising bell curves. Let us take the students’ grades to follow a bell curve as a result of differing motivations and capabilities. The teachers’ own motivations and capabilities would affect the mean scores. For simplicity, the skewness and the kurtosis (peakedness) of the curves will be disregarded. This model also necessarily assumes that grades are given based on a teacher’s observations of students’ attitudes and standard of work, which is a justified assumption as the actual mark schemes include these two criteria. Using this crude model, a “good” teacher would have students obtaining a higher mean grade than those under a “average” teacher. Hence, an illusion of better grades can be achieved by “grade inflation”, i.e. a horizontal shift of the curve such that the mean is higher than it was.
2.3 This may give confidence to students, local and scholars alike, more confidence in pursuing Lang Arts, but is education all about providing confidence through good grades? I believe that even in a competitive society such as Singapore’s, good grades do not count for all, for it is the thinking skills that are highly valued in a knowledge-based economy. To align education with this aim, the curriculum must be aligned with the A-Levels in view - this is where the meaning of “Integrated” in IP was derived from.
3. Thus, Language Arts should be retained and made an integral part of the IP curriculum.
3.1 I make this claim in the view that Lang Arts is the ladder to the H1 GP anf H2 KI curricula at the A level. Topics such as globalisation, media and censorship, and political philosophy are covered in GP; it is the same for philosophy of science in KI. Toulmin’s model for arguments is an effective skill, albeit not effectively grounded, that was taught in lessons.
3.2 While I may argue for the content to be kept in its entirety, I would like to argue more strongly for an increased focus in thinking skills, which include precis writing, application questions and critical thinking. The first two are part of the GP paper, and the third is part of the KI paper. Building a good foundation for thinking frameworks in terms of skills will naturally lead to better essays that more effectively show the grasp of content by students. This raises a need for compromise between content and skills in the syllabus outline, for it is too hefty a task to teach everything. I would encourage shelving of content that may potentially overlap with those in GP or KI, and are more effectively grasped at higher levels.
4. A short word regarding the opinion that there are a shortage of teachers to teach the subject.
4.1 By asserting that Lang Arts is integral and essential to the IP curriculum, more effort should be put in to make the subject more relevant and more understandable, so as to dispel opinions (of Lang Arts being a difficult subject) made without rational thoughts and considerations. One possibe way would be to reallocate the budget to the hiring and training of teachers.
————–
These are my points (tentatively). This is an incomplete argument (as for sections 3 and 4) due to time constraints. =D
Haha got a great confidence boost today. During my IS consultation today, Mr Ixer said my use of English was good! That was first compliment ever by a teacher on my English, and a British one in fact! Especially since Mr Ixer commented that he could follow my line of argument (he’s being humble about his understanding of science and maths) LOL, can’t resist posting this.
But Mr Ixer and Mr Wong have been really nice and helpful in their comments for my IS… I guess the direction to take for my IS has been clarified. Mr Ixer thinks I could get a high A out of this; if I actually do get that, then I’ll have less to worry about for my actual paper (given that I also do well for KI prelims).
Okay, that’s all for self-glorification… But otherwise I shall (try to) chiong my IS over the weekend. And I started on KI revision today! Which is way cool imo, though my study schedule has been thrown terribly off track by IS and the recent bout of illness. Did year 1 stuff plus mathematical knowledge stuff.
Today’s chem lesson was totally ROFLMAO-ish cos we were totally making a joke out of ourselves HAHA…
Shall go and sleep. VITA tomorrow!
1. For eons I’ve pushed these back, now it’s up and running! Stats 2,3,4 notes completed! I left out CLT cos I wasn’t too sure of it, but I’ll edit and post an updated version asap. Head over to http://www.box.net/shared/qpzbm5qg4g and download stats_b_po_n.pdf. It probably would look like the 1-sheet revision notes that just came out recently, now that I’ve completed my version. XD Don’t hesitate to drop an email if the link does not work, or there are errors in my notes!
2. And my IS 1st draft came back! Had a consultation session with Mr Wong in the morning. Really helped a lot, in that he kind of hammered (not literally… just reiterated) that I should talk about the KI aspect. Guessed I should have been more proactive, cos when I spoke I was repeating his points. Kind of hampered by that headache I had. I’m going for another session with Mr Ixer tomorrow!
3. Slept thru the evening. Now I feel better, though I still feel a little… disoriented. Ah, time wasted! Should continue KI revision + IS chionging soon.
Damn it! Got headache again! Must be cos of my myopia, I know it. (Why do I know? That’ll have to wait till I rest well enough to get my brain to deal with this philosophical question. HAHA joking!) But otherwise it was really painful. Skipped chem lecture to sleep thru the headache albeit unsuccessfully, and immediately after Chem tut I went to the sick bay to sleep until 4+.
Screw life.
Meanwhile IS coming back tomorrow. Gah!
Physics + a wee bit of KI + doing Maths revision notes (Stats 2/3/4/5). Haha didn’t really meet my expectations of uploading it today due to my slow work rate (I did a paper 3 in like, 4 hours? It’s supposed to be done in 2hrs and it’s still not done yet, hahaha…) I’m left with the continuity correction bits, so it should be up by tmr night!
Oh well. Haha I’m probably still not following advice (like Jieying’s tags and my inner, rational voice and probably everyone else who’ve tagged) cos I ran thru many regretful moments, i.e. Nanyang CTs and whether they were a waste of my $20 (I reasoned it out, they were. Grrrr. I’ll take that as a lesson to curb my impulsiveness. Is this another definition of impulse spending?)
Which reminds me, I either do not understand, or haven’t taken the effort to understand Rorty’s “Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature”. Oh well, I guess I’m slightly slow at reading ><” And then I also picked up Zizek’s “The Parallax View” which is thicker (I was tempted to say ‘denser’ but nvm, I shouldn’t assume things) but haven’t touched it yet. Hmm impulse spending again? But I hope they’ll (Rorty and Zizek) will be good reads once I get around understanding them.
Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to seeing my mutilated IS come back… I’ve got a few philosophical ideas from a convo with Wen Jun (he’s such a closet thinker, hahaha) about why objects eventually fall when thrown up, and about why energy is quantised (I haven’t got about to mathematically formulate why the probability of interference in a standing wave decreases as frequency increases ><”) but that weren’t the main point. What I was picking out from was something meta-conversational, something about how we are taught science concepts through education and without experimentation. The question that my IS seeks to answer is, “Do scientific concepts taught through education qualify as scientific knowledge even though scientific experimentation is not involved?”
So yup, those were probably the few insights that I got for the past hour. School tomorrow! That’s going to rob me of insight. Ciao!
What else can I say? Haven’t been exactly feeling at my best for a way long time.
Feeling vaguely confident is only an indication of inconfidence.
And I can never get rid of this until I sort those conflicting thoughts, split personalities, concurrent emotions and contradictory positions within me.
Sometimes, being rational gives you a lot of trouble and confusion. But the peace that comes from the resolution is… immense.
———–
Ever since I came into the IP, so much has happened…
Academics-wise it was probably discovering and then unleashing that (not yet fulfilled) potential. I’m glad I got to terms with my C for Physics midyears, and dropped Econs. But I haven’t been putting in as much effort as I should have been, right from the beginning. So I need to work hard to make up for that loss.
Outside of the academic subjects it’s been either Science or Bizclub (and then for a few months, Harmoc). And for science, I realised that it was not all about fighting for tops (or rather, fulfilling others’ expectations of you getting out tops), but rather enjoying the process. Even though H3 NAV was an academic subject, I remembered the most out of it. It’s not something I could do even if I got nothing, or even got Gold, at SSEF. I redefined achievement for myself.
Bizclub was where I realised I should have done a bit more outside my job scope; it was where I redefined breakthrough, but didn’t realise it. And Harmoc was where I redefined motivation for myself; despite only joining in after Promos, I didn’t get deterred easily (truth part I: I practised 2 hours at home daily; truth part II: that habit stopped after school reopened ><” ahahaha; truth part III: the urban legend does not hold. This motivation was not derived from *ahem*…)
And then of course there were the IP trips, Helmsman weeks, random class events like playing games on the class computer, or playing darts, or taupoking (HAHA, mark 28 Apr 2006 man…) and everything else that made IP worth REliving through it all again. Yea, the undeniable fact of being dogged by THAT nickname all these while…
Of course, I’m doing better in JC, got a cool class, been working up my way to heights I’ve never reached before, and to heights that I’ll never imagine I’ll reach even before I came in. But then there were regrets, though there wasn’t any that hurt particularly much after such a long time, for they became things to smile about when I needed things to smile about.
隐隐作痛的伤 经过时间的冲淡 化成美丽的过往
And I hope things do turn out that way. Only I can stop myself from wanting to think about things a different way.
浮影浮现的你 瞬间掀开的篇章 刹那铸下的烙印
————
So how do you trace everything back to the genesis?
Ever seen enemies tear the guts out of each other one moment, and shake hands and make peace the next?
Ever seen friends hang along amicably for one moment, and then turn against each other the next?
Ever seen yourself getting rid of something that you hate, only to have it reappear in different forms again and again?
Ever seen a phenomenon manifest itself, and then it happens periodically as if it is obeying a curse?
Ever seen a person reminisce the happy memories with you, only to vulgarise them eventually?
Ever seen a person rake up the unpleasant moments, and have you see it in a worse way than you imagined?
Ever seen someone walking along under clear skies, only for rain to fall without warning, and he slips and fallsonto the concrete pavement?
Ever seen someone talking to someone else he’d never imagined he would talk to, only to have a Freudian slip ruin everything?
Ever seen an orator say something, so that we can pick up the sarcasm and reconstrue his speech?
Ever seen an innocent man say something, and yet we pick up the sarcasm (somehow) and reconstrue his speech?
Ever seen old pals forget each other’s names?
Ever seen rivals harp on the other party’s label?
Ever seen someone cry in the rain, so that the ground below wouldn’t know if it was burdening the sky’s tears or the person’s fears?
Ever seen someone frown at the sun even though it is a symbol for life, vitality and cheer?
-
Why do I still cling on when I want to fall asleep? Why do I forget when I want to remember, and why do I remember when I forget?
-
But in the end, it’s got to be less of the “for myself” and more of the “for others”.
